"Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign!"

By: “Hurricane Duane” Thomas
For the Week of: March 26th, 2007
This Week: “Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign!”
Detroit is a large melting pot of all kinds and colors of folks who make this one great city. With all the different nationalities here, I often wonder about all the different signs we see on the roads and highways throughout Motown. Here’s a sampling of the more common, and sometimes more confusing ones.

“35 MPH Ahead”
Does that mean if there are 2 people in the car, that’s 35 mph (a-head!) x 2 so you can go 70 mph?

“No Double Parking”
I can only drive ONE vehicle at a time anyway!

“Stop”
That red sign that orders you completely STOP when hardly anyone does? And it never tells you when its OK to START again!

“Warning! Deaf Child in Area”
Now, this one is confusing. Do I drive through honking my horn REALLY LOUD so that the child knows I’m coming through? And, hey! I’m sensitive to disabilities…but shouldn’t the CHILD be looking out for cars?

“Slow School Crossing”
AM I too SLOW? Or is the school CROSSING very slowly? (I’ve never seen a school building tip-toeing across the road slowly inching its way across!)

“Slow Curve Ahead”
Now is the CURVE SLOW? Or am I to GO SLOW?

“No Standing, Stopping or Parking”
Outside an elementary school near my home, is this sign. Now…what’s a student’s parent supposed to do? Drive by and TOSS the kid out of the window as the car drives pass the school without stopping?

“Prison Area. Do not pickup hitchhikers next 5 miles”
Here’s a good one. Like anyone in their right mind would…pickup a hitchhiker IN A PRISON AREA! Is it ok to pick one up say…SIX miles away? What’s the darn difference with one mile? Can’t the escapee walk another mile OVER 5 and thumb a ride still?

“No Turns”
When you see this sign…can you EVER make your turn? Or do you have to go down and turn around only to face the same “NO TURN” sign?

“Handicap Area”
Now then…this one seems self explanatory. But I DID see a man sitting in his car with a racing form figuring out the horse racing handicaps for the 3rd at Belmont!

“No Standing”
I’m IN A CAR for gosh sakes! Try standing up in a car!

“No Parking Fire Zone”
Is this because this is where all the fires will be at?

“No Standing or Stopping”
Now, if I can’t stop…certainly not stand…how in the heck is someone supposed to get out of the vehicle?!

“Decoy Area”
In N. Detroit’s notorious crime-ridden 8 Mile area, there are Police prostitute decoys to bust soliciting “johns”. I keep expecting to see DUCK decoys in the middle of the road! And speaking of that, there is a sign to that effect. “Mama and baby duck crossing!” is a picture of a Duck with 4 ducklings on it in walking in a straight line.

“Slow Children”
This sign is just plain CRUEL! I mean, if a child is SLOW…should he or she even BE out in the road?

“Yield the Right of Way”
But what if I’m on the left? Exactly which way is right?

“Warning! This vehicle may back up”
No kidding! I back up out of my driveway everyday! Don’t MOST vehicles back up at one time or another?

“No Stopping Under Overpass”
So, let’s say its’ a terrific storm or blizzard. I’m supposedly to stop BEFORE the shelter of the overpass?

“Emergency Vehicles Only” (Usually in the middle of a stretch of highway)
Hey! It IS an emergency if I have to use it to turn around!

“Wrong Way”
No kidding! I think those headlights comin’ straight at me doing 50 would be a good indication I’m going the wrong way!

“Complete Left Turn after Stop and Traffic Clears”
Ah, another good one. I stop, no traffic. I begin to proceed into the turn. Ahead a quarter mile I see a car. Do I stop again and wait for it to get here? And what if I don’t want or need to MAKE a COMPLETE left turn?

“Hidden Driveway Ahead”
Now, whoever lives or works on this property is taking their lives in their hands. How about CLEARING the field of vision and bushes and trees on the property, so it’s NOT HIDDEN?!

I definitely can imagine how bewildering these signs can be to foreign visitors and new citizens of the Motor City. And the need for more instructional and clearly defined and implied signs is evident. Hopefully, that little State Highway Commission guy who sits in office thinking these signs up, will realize how confusing they can be to some.

Ah, only in a perfect world I suppose. And, another thing about driving in Detroit and the Great Lake State. That sign that says “DEER CROSSING”? The next time you see it, look closely at the picture.
I SWEAR….it’s a MOOSE!

Well, thanks all! Till next week….tank’s full….revvin’ engine….just remember….Keep your hands on the wheel, and your foot to the floor, when you’re….”Drivin’ Sideways in Detroit!” C’ya!

*Special Thanks: The “Hurricane Shelter” offices, Verena Reuter, LA Grizzy, Treasure Island Gold & Larry Patterson, Ralph Terrana and “Lucky” the Wonder Dog