"Pedals to the Metal!"

Howdy Friends! Hope you all had a great May Day and Cinco de Mayo.

I spend a good deal of time drivin'...(hence the "Drivin' Sideways..." name), and I've come to the conclusion that most all drivers are crazy. Well, maybe not most of them, but certainly a good portion. Doing business weekly down in Ohio for Johnny and The Hurricanes has been an experience. Yeah, kinda like the Daytona 500. On my leisurely 55-60 mile an hour drive down there, I take the surface roads because I hate freeways and higways. I think you miss seeing the real America down in and on those concrete chutes whizzing by at like 80-90. My wife Laura tends to not agree with me. She goes the straightest, fastest way to a destination. It might be backed up 10 miles, but my girl patiently (kinda), waits as long as it's a straight shot to where shes going.

Detroit had its speed demons, but Ohio drivers are on a mission! If its says 65mph, they just take that as a general suggestion, and go 90. Im always getting burned down, and blown on by, because some lil old lady or factory worker suckes me into their jet-stream as they pass. Take the other night for example. Against my better judgement, we took the freeway. My partner Sonja (born and raised in Germany), and Laura were riding together, and I was alone in my car. I told them when we reach 1-75, Ill get in front, and they can follow me up into Detroit. So, we hit I-75, I nail it and blow by them like the devils' on my heels. In a moment, they are a faint little green blur in my rearview mirror. I settle into the speed limit of 70 mph, and crank up the stereo, keeping my eye on them a 1/2 mile or so back. Pretty soon, I dont see them.

The last I saw, they were sandwiched between two semi trucks, the freight-trains of the highways. Ok, no worry. I'll just slow down, and let them catch up. I slow to around 65 with cars, trailers, motorcycles and semis flying by me like I was standing still. After 5 minutes or so, I still dont see them catching up. I know. I'll call them on the cell phone! "Hey. Where are you ladies at? " I yell into the phone over the stereo. "We're next to a truck!" My lovely wife says. "We don't see you.' "Well then" I ask..."What exit are you near?" I figure this one should be easy, till I remember she doesn't see so good, even with her glasses on, or her contacts in. "I don't know" she yells, "We don't see you!" This I know. She just said that. "Ok hon...I'll just get in the center lane, slow down and wait till you catch up". "OK!" she says. Problem solved I figure. I stay in the center lane and slow down even more.

After 6 or 7 more minutes, they still arent catchin' up, and I'm thinkin' "oh-oh..this can't be good" I dial them again. "I still dont see you girls. You can't be THAT far back behind me" Now, Im just plain confused and decide to do the 'guy' thing. "Hey Honey?" I ask into the receiver. "Im gonna pull over, and when you see my flashers, tell me, and when you pass, Ill nail it, and catch up, ok?" Seemed like a perfectly good idea to me. I could catch anybody in my youth, with the variety of hot cars I used to drive, so, piece of cake. I pull over, and turn on my flashers, watching my mirror. 5 more minutes, and nothing. In a moment, a very large flash of green van (like the one they were driving) with Ohio plates, flys by me in a blur like it had rockets attached. VVVVRRRROOOOM! WHOOOSH!

Another 5 minutes pass as I sit with lights flashing on the side of the road. No sign of them. Where could they be? Then, my cell phone rings.
"Honey? NOW where are you!? Dont you see my flashers?" I sound worried now, I know. "No we don't see your flashers!" she tells me. Now, I can imagine she's frowning at me. "You girls cant be ahead of me! I would have seen you!" I respond, sounding probably like a worried father. "We see the Ford sign! It says Woodhaven!' "You Cant be in Woodhaven, because that's way ahead of me" I explain, now confused even more. "Well" she says matter-of-factly. "We're at mile marker 33, and we dont see you, or your flashers!" Oh great! I throw the car in gear and burn out with gravel flyin' in all directions.

Ahead of me about 1/4 mile is a marker. 'Mile Marker 22' the sign says. 22? I yell into the phone. "I dont know how you girls did it, but youre like 13 miles or so AHEAD of me! And I didnt even see you drive past!" Oh-oh...it WAS that blur of green about 15 minutes back, that flew by so fast, it almost took the paint job off of my car... It WAS them. So, the story goes, that they made it home about 20 minutes ahead of me, even when I was 15 minutes ahead of THEM!

It is the speed thing friends. I'm telling you! Blink, and the world will be gone. Yawn, and that semi truck will be on your tail faster than a hawk catchin' a mouse. Why we have to go so fast everywhere, Ill never know.

People putting on makeup, talking on the phone, eating, working crosswords and texting messages, all while entering a freeway merge lane, goin hell-bent-for-election! I saw one person doing their income tax, and a young woman changing her jeans. At the time, both were in the speed lanes.

My friends, the day has finally come, when this lead-foot from the Motor City, got blown away by a van driven by a tunnel-visioned, Auto-bahn trained, German female-kamikazi driver, and my Ms."Im-taking-the-freeway-cause-its-fast" wife Laura...I guess from now on, I should just get out and walk....or get a horse. Maybe I'll have to start calling this "Clippity-Clop-Clippity-Clop' Sideways in Detroit!"

Oh well....Have a great week! Till next time...Keep your hands on the wheel, and your foot to the floor, when you’re…“Drivin’ Sideways in Detroit!” Cccccccccccc’ya!!!!!
"Hurricane" Duane Thomas
e-mail to: duanethomas@johnnyandthehurricanes.com hurricane.duane@atilarecords.com
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*Special Thanks: The “Hurricane Shelter”offices (MI-OH), Team Detroit (MI), LA Grizzy (Intnl), Sonja Paris (Intnl), Treasure Island Gold's Larry Patterson (Fla), Ralph Terrana (CA), the friends at Soulful Detroit Music Forums (Intnl), Cedar Plank Cafe (OH) and “Lucky” the Wonder Dog (Everywhere)